VM Ranked - S1E10

Every show needs a Christmas special, and this one is a doozy.

Characters: 2

• Logan (+1)
• Aaron Echolls (+1)

Story quality: 5/5

It’s a locked-room mystery: who stole the poker money from the game in Logan’s poolhouse? Four 09ers and Weevil are playing high stake poker, which Weevil wins, but somehow the stake has gone missing. Veronica promises to solve the mystery, and as payment, she’ll take the place of the thief in a rematch game, which happens to take place the same night as Lynn and Aaron Echolls’s big Christmas party. Unsurprisingly, the bad guy is a dude we’ve never seen before, who’s only pretending to be rich.

Meanwhile Keith is trying to figure out who’s stalking, and threatening, Aaron Echolls. It’s hard to know, because Aaron has been fucking just about every woman in the 90909 zip code. Unfortunately Keith is too slow, and the stalker stabs Aaron while carolers sing the Wassailing song and fake snow blows over the partiers. Love some good Christmas & violence juxtaposition! And given what we learned about Aaron in the bum fight episode, it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

Plot relevance: 5/5

This episode is mostly character development for Logan. We delve further into the dysfunctional Echolls family dynamic. Logan’s body language when the rest of the boys ogle his mother in her bikini is worth a thousand words. That Weevil notices this, while the rich boys don’t, is chef’s kiss. Beautiful sensitivity from our two bad boys.  Duncan calls Logan out on turning into a “full-fledged jackass,” and some dude we’ve never seen before also calls Logan out on his racist jokes at Weevil’s expense (though it’s not clear if that’s just performative). Jason Dohring is really an amazing actor and it’s a shame that his career didn’t take off after this show. His face shows us everything we need to know about Logan’s discomfort with facing the idea that maybe he’s the bad guy. He’s not ready to change his stripes yet, though.

The only real plot movement we get is Veronica confronting Jake Kane about the surveillance photos that Clarence Whedman took. Jake claims to have no idea what she’s talking about, but he storms out of the room and starts screaming at his wife, What did you do?! So, now we know it was actually Celeste.

Iconic lines/memes: +7

This episode is an absolute feast of iconic lines, mostly courtesy of Weevil, but Logan gets in some good ones too.

• See, there you go with that head tilt thing. You know, you think you’re all badass but whenever you need something it’s all, [head tilt]“Hey.”
• I hear about a five thousand dollar card game played by idiots, I’m interested.
• Ouch, ya got me!! This line isn’t iconic as written, but Weevil’s white bro accent is golden.
• Seriously, don’t I just blend right in? Look at me! Where’s Weevil?
• Weevil, strip-searching the poker players and discovering that Logan and Duncan are wearing matching boxers: What, did you call each other?
• Did your super sleuth kit come with a decoder ring?
• Annoy, tiny blonde one. Annoy like the WIND.
• Duncan: Do you even know how to play poker?
  Veronica: No…. But it must be REALLY hard if all you guys play.
  Iconic for two reasons. One, it’s delivered in the “Wow I’m really bad at this” tone from the Wrath of Con, my all-time favorite VM line. And two, it’s a total lie because the moment she sits down at the table and starts to shuffle like a pro, all the guys know they’re hosed.

Cringe: -2

• Some dude: What’s he gonna do with a Faberge egg?
  Logan: Two words: Huevos. Rancheros.
  Everybody: laughs
  That’s not a funny line! Saying words in Spanish is not automatically a joke! That line is completely beneath Logan, and not because it’s racist. Strictly because it’s unfunny.

• Dude, she got you a purse. This whole story of Rosie Perez thinking Logan was a girl is just gross, stinking, toxic masculinity. It should not be humiliating for Logan that someone else who didn’t know him was under the mistaken impression that the Echolls had a daughter named Lauren. This has nothing whatsoever to do with him. Rosie Perez is the one who should be ashamed, for not paying closer attention.

Outfit of the episode:

Plaid jacket with a shearling collar and cuffs over a hot pink graphic tee.

Shout out to Logan and Duncan’s matching boxers!

Song of the episode:

The Heat Miser Song. Veronica and Keith are watching The Year Without a Santa Claus while they trim the tree and when the song comes on (“It’s our favorite part!” Keith says gleefully) and we get a cut to Duncan “drunkenly” singing the song in Logan’s poolhouse. As a parent who forced my children to watch creepy 1970s claymation Christmas specials every year (though our go-tos were Rudolph and Santa Claus is Coming to Town) this feels absolutely real to me. And as my daughter told me, those lyrics get into your subconscious; it’s no surprise that Duncan knows all the words.

Anachronistic reference of the episode:

The river is gonna get you. - this is a reference to the Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine Song, The Rhythm is Gonna Get You. There are songs from the 80s that everyone knows, but I just don’t think that’s one of them. (On the other hand, as my daughter points out, maybe Lynn Echolls is a Sound Machine fan.)